Insomniac Thoughts

Insomniac Thoughts

Last night around 2am I woke up from a nightmare about a red-back spider.

These are the thoughts that followed:

  • Someone I spoke to earlier that day misunderstood something I said, damn, wish I caught it then
  • I definitely double-booked myself on Thursday two weeks from now (shit)
  • I wonder if Arts Centre Melbourne will let me reschedule?
  • Wish I could check that right now.
  • That time I felt pressured into eating a cracker with salmon spread. Should have stood my ground.
  • If I go back to school, I will still have 6 months out of the year to work
  • How can I support myself working 6 months a year
  • What if we are saving for a house and we want to buy a house by then
  • What if I get pregnancy
  • There is no good reason imaginable to give birth to a brand new child
  • Why don’t people adopt more
  • I should definitely stop thinking and just clear my mind. Breathe, count to 100.
  • If I knew more about it I would try to be an adoption advocate and push to clear hurdles to adoption
  • When you apply for a home loan they ask you if you foresee any change to your circumstances in the near future
  • Going to school or having a baby would definitely be big changes
  • I wonder if OE would be comfortable being the primary parent and just holding steady while I go back to school and build some kind of crazy patchwork career
  • I would really like majoring in Politics and International Studies, learning how to do proper research would be a major bonus
  • I have a lot of relevant life experiences
  • That would really inform my writing, I could do non-fiction too
  • Might as well get a Masters in Public Policy while I’m at it
  • I could do lots of things with that, I could be a researcher on contract (is that a thing yes it probably is), I could still edit – maybe someone would think I was the perfect editor and hire me for a doco or for factual even though that’s not the point of the degree nor has that genre been a particularly strong desire of my as far as editing goes, but money is money I would still want to work as an editor anyway – I could also write more non-fiction and do more street level social project type things and it wouldn’t even matter that I was making a pittance because I have other ways to make money, very lucky.
  • But that’s not to discount fiction which is my first love anyway and I reckon research skills plus general knowledge of political and social paradigms would be incredibly helpful
  • You know they say when you can’t sleep you should get up and do something, but getting up means working on my book and that means staring at a screen
  • Or I could read Heft but that would also just wake me up more
  • Goddammit Hank are you vomiting over there
  • I hope this room doesn’t smell like vomit in a minute
  • Is that a plane? Jesus what time is it? The earliest planes leave at like 5:30? No, 6:00?
  • There’s a car, where are they going this time of night?
  • I haven’t heard another plane in a while, maybe it was just a secret private plane and someone who has to bake bread at 3am.
  • I wonder if childhood trauma particularly relating to nighttime has anything to do with my terrible sleep
  • Need to book flights to Sydney, and a hotel
  • I wonder if I’d had a normal upbringing if I would have just basically done everything right the first time around
  • God feeling sorry for myself again am I?
  • ***Secret hypothetical birthday party plans***
  • John Steinbeck had an entire chapter dedicated to a turtle crossing the road in Grapes of Wrath
  • Maybe if I got a Masters in Public Policy, what would my thesis be about?
  • My thesis would be called something like Why Women Stay and it would be about all the practical and economic reasons women stay in abusive relationships
  • and not even just women with kids
  • Or maybe my thesis would be on the significance of cultural capital in social mobility
  • how a lot of times people who try to be very non-racist in the workplace still edge out people of colour because they have different backpacks filled with different cultural capital
  • Hell I’ve done it myself and even saw myself doing it and didn’t know how to stop it
  • I’m sure both of those theses have been done before
  • I would like to read them
  • am I being wanky
  • I have no idea how to build the next scene of this book, guess I should go back to the issue checklist, see what people haven’t brought up in conversation yet
  • Maybe I should just write the next draft as best I can and revise it all at once instead of in parts
  • I have still so far to go on this, still so much to do in terms of structuring
  • Goddammit Hank get off the bed
  • I have to start shutting the door to this bedroom
  • Definitely more cars out now
  • Guess I’m taking Hank to the park, maybe for a whole hour and he’ll be worn out for a little bit and I can get back to writing
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